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the undead stormed Lincoln Hall (review)

by Hubert Snodgrass


You know, it’s kind of hard to eat salad in the dark. That’s what I learned at Lincoln Hall’s Zombie Apocalypse Night (5/25), presented by The 3 Penny Was Here. I broke from company policy and sprung for the Asian chicken salad, which was tasty, but I couldn’t tell what the hell I was forkin’ at.

The original Dawn of the Dead started off strong by leading with the phrase “the shit’s really hit the fan,” but it all went downhill in my book when they neglected to show a mushy pile of cow plop sliced up by oscillating blades. I assume that must be in the prequel, so I won’t hold it against them. For the next six minutes, everyone in the movie yelled a lot and smoked cigarettes until it cut to a racist cop on a roof ranting about greasy asses. After a brief gunfight, the cops dressed up like NATO was in town and gassed up a staircase, where a purple-skinned zombie gnawed through his old lady like she was made out of raspberry cake (a menu item Lincoln Hall should consider).

After the main characters hopped in a helicopter, they flew over a redneck town, where I noticed a guy that looked like my friend Bill, who is from the 70s. After the town had it’s zombie shooting gallery, I realized the next big trap rap song needs to sample the gunshots in this movie. The genre has been dogged by video game quality gunshots for far too long. It’s time for trap rap to grow some balls.

On the other hand, the music in this movie was fucking masterful. Those tripped out, gurgling synths, the playful strings, that mall muzak, and the psychedelic/sludge rock. The synths really started hitting the spot when they landed the helicopter on the roof of a mall, which they break into so they can chill and fuck around and lots more stuff like that. The thing is, the place is full of zombies, but the two ex-cops decided to “hit and run” the department store for some goodies. It’s weird, because that’s also my policy when it comes to other things. The way the zombies all waddled around to the muzak reminded me of that one time I went to the Miracle Mile, which made me want to chew peoples’ faces off.

While the guys were all out exploring, the lady had an encounter with a Hare Krishna zombie, who I think I met the first time I went to Bonnaroo. Shortly after, it turns out she’s pregnant by “Flyboy,” our non-cop, male protagonist who can operate the helicopter. The black cop indicates he’s something of an amateur abortionist. In his own words (as I heard them), “Rack City, brother!”

One of my favorite parts of the movie is when they leave preggo to hang out by herself and they come back with the trucks and the helicopter like they’re the fucking A-Team or something. For some reason, Flyboy circles around and talks to himself, wasting gas, while the ex-cops duke it out with zombies on the ground. What a shithead.

In that whole scuffle, white cop got bit by a zombie and later had to get shot in his comically contorted face by Mr. Rack City, but not before they cleared the mall of zombies and turned the place into their private funhouse. Clearly, this movie is about the American dream.

In the absence of his buddy, Mr. Rack City cultivates a garden, serves the expecting couple a fancy dinner, and does some interior decorating. Just when they seem to be getting cozy again, some greasy dudes are scoping them out through binoculars, planning out a raid on the mall. One of them whips out a flip-out comb, just like the one I always carry, and brushes his mustache in a moment that even his accomplice, another mustachioed gent, finds weird. They get hammered with their biker gang and storm the mall, only to make a fucking mess of everything and spur a royal zombie munch-fest. OH, THE LINSANITY!

I stuck around for the beginning of Shaun of the Dead, which hastily uses “Ghost Town” by The Specials, the best song by my favorite band… EVER. Unfortunately it faded out pretty quickly and I got cranky and needed to leave. Ta ta for now. Keep your head down!

The Specials’ video for “Ghost Town” below…

The Specials – “Ghost Town”

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